Aftershock

Conflicted,

Your heart is restricted

Afflicted,

It was never expected

Tormented,

By the voice you’re surrounded

Unbended,

But this in not what you wanted

Pretended,

As if the pain was never embeded

Hunted,

Of “maybe if’s” it should have never ended.


Ps. I would have never really understand what you’re going through right now. The pain must have been different. And its okay. Its okay to hurt, and be lost, and just be in grief with everything going on inside that beautiful heart of yours. Let yourself hurt and and feel. Wishing you healing and sending you love Mia.

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This is a long overdue post, something I should have published before 2018 ends or early january, but I just can’t seem to finish whatever I am writing and always end up getting stuck. Pardon me, if this is somewhat leads everywhere and jumbled. Feel free to read.


Another year had passed, we’ve been broken, lost, but flourished. We wilted, flew as the terror wind said it’s hi, yet we sprung once again, in the field, like dandelion. We survived the current, the storm, for years, we made it whole.

Another year has passed yet I’m still trying to survive, still thriving, and just making it through. Still unaware of the power I had in you. Another year, yet I still chose to not choose you. Maybe it’s too hard to let go of who I built up inside me, my personal glories, all but just accessories. A year of your faithfulness because of my stubbornness. A year, of you reminding me of who I was and the power I have within me. The power to speak my heart out for you and moved people, in ways you alone can allow. This power to break, yet still rebuild itself much stronger and wiser and filled with more love for people. The power to overcome hurt, pain, and even sickness. Still me, but I guess, a much better version of me.

Another year, of you building me up for something greater. For much wonderful plans, unknown by me but perfect in you. Another year to be thankful of all the things you’ve willingly did for me. For this love, boundless and pure, I am always in awe. For the people I’ve met and became a part of me, who thought me love in all different ways. 2018, made me sure of who i am, what i need, and what i wanted to be. It made me sure of you.

And as I welcome another year with you, I declare victory upon all the plans you have in stored for me. May this year be an abundance of faith, less of me and more of you. A year of complete surrender, harvest, and many more beautiful things. Thank you for this blessing of a life, and I’ll be forever grateful. I love you God.

Welcome 2019!!

Eye to Eye

She has her eyes on you

Whenever you drop one of your funny-not-so-funny jokes

Whenever you cast that big smile of yours

Whenever you try to lighten up someone’s mood

She has her eyes on you

In a room full of people, yours is what she always look for

Your voice, a beautiful lullaby in a lover’s ear

You’re a hard goodbye we have to swallow

She has her eyes on you

And you have mine, too

Just like her, I saw myself risking for you

Wishing we will come true

She has her eyes on you

Even when there’s a me to you

Haven’t you noticed or did you not see?

I might have grown tired of letting it be

She has her eyes on you

And somehow it hurts me

To feel like the villain in her story

An additional cast, who’s not supposed to be happy

She has her eyes on you

But I cant seem to understand why

Why I feel like you, also, still have your eyes on her

Even when its little, even when you’re unaware

She still have her eyes on you

So in a crowd that’s meant for two

Even if I have learned to love the view

Let me be the one to look away, take all this as a cue


(extended version)

She had her eyes on you, first

And maybe im jealous

Or maybe if I had you first I wouldnt have to strive to erase her from me

But in the end, it wouldn’t all matter if I came in first or last

Cause you wouldn’t have to make me feel like it should matter at all.

09.19.18

15th of December

Tonight, anger’s not in the equation. It has left me, maybe a long time ago. No more blaming, no pointing, nothing, but this missing. Or is this sadness? or maybe exhaustion? Your face, or what was, is what’s left. Or maybe I’m tired, too tired, so I sink in your memories, to maybe, finally realize that I’m all healed but it’s too early to say, so I remain exhausted, sad. I just wish I can be okay. I’ve been binding myself with thoughts of bringing positivity in this world so I try, I try to mask all the pain and sadness but there are days, where I just want to curl up in my bed and stop pretending, stop avoiding things, when I just want to be comforted by someone, anyone. Cause sometimes its tiring, too tiring to be strong for others and then for yourself. It’s exhausting to expect someone to just come to you and do anything to cheer you up. Maybe I came looking too strong but sometimes I’ve got no choice, but to be one when you don’t have anyone around to do the extra mile or even the simplest things just to keep your soul happy. And tonight’s not an exemption, I am drowning in my own misery. Writing it all, hoping it would help, but how could words help when a presence of someone cheering you up is all you ever wanted? Then again, I can’t expect people to do anything at all, we have our own heartbreak, so maybe I’ll just spend this night pouring it all out, in any ways possible, hoping I’ll get better. Forgive me though, if ever you’re reading this and in any ways it make you feel off. Forgive me if this somehow gives you the negative energy, no one needed. I hope I didn’t make you feel down or something, but forgive me if I ever did. Don’t worry about me, or tonight, I’ll just spend this night with my loyal lover, whom made me reach this far. I know God has his plans and maybe I just have to trust him a little more throughout this season of breaking. And I’m praying that it’ll be easy for you to reach out to him whenever you needed someone. I pray for our hearts healed from anything that’s breaking it, be it someone or something. I hope you’re doing fine.

Sincerely,

Me

My King

Waves crashing, your love for me

Rolling, unending, freeing me

In the stillness, in the storm, you’ve showered me grace

Here I am crying, kneeling, and tears on my face

Your wonders, these art, keeping me sane

Your blood, the sacrifice, that amount of pain

For me: shattered, mess, unwilling maze

In your power to trust, i’m always in daze

Immeassurable strength, selfless care

Even your son you have willingly shared

In the depths of your love I’ve been sinking too deep

In your arms I’ve found the missing piece I’d be willing to keep

My heart, broken, nothing much in use

But in your eyes, so perfect, I’ve always been

Always have been your muse.

Do You

It’s okay. Not knowing what to feel after anger, frustrations, pain, and sadness. Feeling lost, alone. It’s okay, my dear. You don’t have to figure out healing. It happens. You heal, even when you spend the night crying over someone. You heal, even when you’re laughing with your friends in the hallway. You heal, even when there’s this pit consuming you within. You’ll heal slowly. Sometimes, you heal fast. You don’t have to hurry. You are not less of who you are, just because you don’t heal at the time you expected to. And it doesn’t make you more of who you are, just because you heal unexpectedly fast. Healing. It has it’s own time. Own beauty. It happens within. It happens even when you’re hurting, laughing, losing yourself. So please, my dear, breathe! Healing doesn’t have to suffocate you. Let yourself feel, hurt, smile. You are your own process. There’s no deadline. So, love and be patient with yourself, you don’t need someone to break yourself even more. You are wonderful, as you are, with your cracks and scars. Shine for yourself. You deserve to be wait upon. Don’t rush yourself, just because they see your breaking as weakness. You have been so strong and you’ll be stronger, for allowing yourself to discover that fighter within. So, don’t worry about what other people say on the way you heal. You are perfectly okay.

 

Love,

 

Yourself.

November 18, 2018

I never knew how affected i was with their approach until i found myself crying on the jeep, on my way home. I look so weird but cant undo these tears when your mind keeps on reminding you of how hurt you were. So forgive me people if i ever made you felt awkward. I was breaking down the moment i reach home, i was sobbing my heart out. Lol. Forgive me for my honesty, i just wanna share how my day went today. I wish i’ll feel better, but now, my heart is still swelling up and i cant breakdown anymore cause my father might hear me. So im writing these right now. If ever you’re reading these, i hope you’re okay. And when you are not. Make yourself an appointment with the shower and cleanse yourself with water and tears. Something I might be doing later. But I really hope you’re all fine, no one deserves to breakdown so bad.

Love,

Me